Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
