Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
