meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
