Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
