Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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