Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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