I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
