cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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