I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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