What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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