How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
