Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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