just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
