I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
