i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
