I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
