I think I died a long time ago.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
