I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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