if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize
