I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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