i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
