Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
