your thong is hanging out like whoa
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
