possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
