you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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