I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Randomize
