My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
