I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
should my penis look like a turkey
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
