Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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