Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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