Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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