I accidentally had phone sex last night
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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