Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
