She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
