Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
