just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
