My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
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