that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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