The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
