I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
