So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
