no, he came in my armpit
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
