Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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