Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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