uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
