I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
