I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
