I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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