Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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