rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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